Exhaling by SammyJo

My mind, and heart are so full of memories lately...I'm wondering if I'm soon to die...Nah..it can't be..it's just got to be getting older and truly appreciating all things that have come my way..

I start thinking of things and want to just write it all down..but jeepers...I don't think I'll ever end lol lol..so if you come across things that just don't seem to match ..well, its from different parts of my life or just what comes to mind...For instance...Last weekend when we had our day out at play...while eating at the pizza place, so many memories came rushing back ..from when we first went with the eldest as a baby up until the last one being a baby...I sat there looking at my 15 and 7 yr old and just admired everything...and I remembered a time when I was feeling so nervous and rushed ..thinking I had to have it so right..and now, I see it didn't really matter..Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed each moment...but I don't think I enjoyed it to the fullest that it should have been given..So as I realized this, I looked at my 15 yr old and I told him, one day, when your older, and have your own family, and you are out eating at a nice fancy place, and your kids are screaming for this or that, and as soon as you think you got it, one spills their drink, I want you to just take a moment and look at them, see this moment as a precious memory, a gift, and just smile and use your love...The look on his face ...was so wonderful, he smiled this smile of understanding...

And talk about memories coming back, whew...my eldest boy is moving out of the dorm at college, and into a house with a friend....(Breathe)...Doing this on his own...working, doing great in school and now going to take care of rent and such...my lil boy, (Tears) omg, he is really growing up, I am so proud!!, but, my heart hurts................I still see his lil face, his lil grin, his lil voice...I see him walking up them big steps on the first day of school, sitting at that table with his coloring books and telling me bye momma...I see him sitting in my front seat in 2nd grade crying because the lil girl he liked didn't accept his valentine card...I remember his proud day of playing his saxophone for the first time at a concert for all ..Oh and the first time he and his best friend got to sleep over...oh man, it was like the best thing in their lives...and I remember the fear in my heart when I drove away leaving him for the first time at a swimming party..His first kiss, no of course not, I didn't see it...lol...but he did tell me of it, and that alone made me feel proud ..for most boys don't tell their moms...Smile...Oh and how proud I was watching him in the all star band...and standing beside him as he received his senior ring...and then watching my lil boy walk up to receive his diploma as a young man now..

Memories shared with him as he enrolled in his new college, falling asleep in the truck while he sat in on meetings...seeing the excitement he was expericing with all this new college stuff all the while my heart was in such fear...and then driving away and leaving him there...knowing he was scared but didn't want to show it ..for he didn't want me to be scared....

We both have come a long way in all these years...especially in these past 2 years...But, like this lil book I used to read to him said...

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be.

Always and forever I love you my guys...

So many say it will get easier with the next one to let go...but, I say they are wrong, for it can never be easy to let go of a child you love no matter how many you have...each one is different and each one is a part of you...

With that, I'll close this post...and play a few songs that truly fit the feelings...