Exhaling by SammyJo

I've been looking into the mirror of the past years and getting a hard dose of reality..Seeing this anger which took home in my heart...It not only tortured me..but my children, mainly one..

As I've said before my middle son and I have come a long way, but, there have been some really hard times...Things have been changing greatly in our lives, and for the better, but, of course the anger still lays within many of hearts here..I feel so lost at times, not knowing what to do, how to go about helping my son..at 15 he is really a special person, his heart is really good, and he has a great attitude and is so humorous...but I see the anger still fighting against him..I've been praying for the Lord to send me the answers I need, and let me tell ya ...he did..

One particular nite, as I lay in my bed, my head filled with the truth, memories of all that I've done..God stood me in front of a mirror and showed me who I was and what I did..and I was so ashamed...I saw me taking away my sweet lil boys heart of joy and replacing it with anger..with my anger..As the memories continued of the time, I realized how young he really was..he was just a lil boy, and lil boys are supposed to moan and groan about things told them to do..how could I allow all my problems to blind me..how could I not see what I was doing to him..As I saw the real truth, my heart hurt so badly, not for me, but for him...I cried so...I knew now what had to be done, to start the healing between he and I...

I waited for the right moment, as for us to be alone, I called him into my room, had him sit down..his eyes were unsure of what the heck I was doing...then I began..God guided every word...No longer pride stood in my way...I accepted my wrongs...I took the burden off my son, I let him know he didn't do anything to deserve what I had done..I told him how sorry I am ..and how much I love him..and that I hope he can forgive me...then I just grabbed hold of him, and hugged him like never before...and for the first time in a long time, he hugged me back with such love.....he didn't seem to want to let go...we both cried...it was our beginning...a healing ...

It's a hard thing to really see and accept all your wrongs, to really realize that you're not such a good person, not a good mother...but..when you can accept this and put aside all that falseness of yourself..then you and the ones you love can truly heal and be happy...

I still have so many trials to overcome with myself..but..this one was so important to me...I'm giving back to my son what I had taken away...and I thank God with all my heart for taking off my blinders...

Now the smiles are facing me......