HOLDING.........
This is my life...running through each day tending to my business...taking care of my family...loving..caring...for all that I love...working..make the money....pay the bills..smiling...friends..co-workers...Family...God...prayers..church...
Just another day..early to rise...off to work with a big smile and a song in my heart...Cheerful as can be...Help this person find this and help that person find that...connect this call to that deptarment and this person to that person...day going so well...just keep that smile and that cheer on the outside...making everyone around smile....feels so good...make a difference somehow....
Time has come to end another day at work..walk around a moment to buy some flowers..Time to go to a place I dread..No...surely I don't like this place..yeap they care for our love ones here..but reasons why I must go to this place I dread so....to see my sick aunt...no she is not getting any better...this enemy...this tumor on her brain..is getting closer to winning....more and more she sleeps....very soon not to wake again...
I walk in...a big beautiful smile on her face...loves the flower...sit and chat a while...some of the conversation sensible...most not able to understand...her mind will not allow her to say the words the way she wants to...she's worried....she says it'll be ok..she doesn't understand why...smiles..smiles...say I love you and I will be back...
Walking down a hall...out in the dark cold nite...into my truck...driving..music...so mixed in my emotions...to many thought popping in my head....full full full..is my mind
EXHALING.........
Why...Why....to many...way to many...if a person so good can suffer so then what in the hell is in store for me?????....
I am so confused...so broken hearted...so damn angry!!!!!!!!!!
Brother...I am so angry with you...so broken in my heart....Why why why did you do this to us????You hurt our mom..you hurt our sister..you hurt your children..you hurt my family..you hurt me...
Nephew...to young..way to young..why why did you do this to us??? I am so disappointed..so damn angry at you...You hurt me so..You were selfish..didnot think about your family...your godson..all who loved you.......
The one who I am most disappointed and angry with is MySelf..for not being strong enough...for allowing things that should have not been allowed..for being a coward..for hating...for being ashamed...
God...I love you so....but...I have to say I surely don't understand all that you allow to happen...I know you take bad happenings and make good out it...I know you give free will..I know you are all loving and you don't make the bad things happen...But...God...You are God..you do know all that has happen...all that happens...and all that will happen..then why my precious Lord do you allow it??...If you know these bad things will come..and if you know who is to be with you..then why why Lord do you put us through all this turmoil??? Am I doing all this in vain...doing it all for nothing????
My faith...knows the answer..
but at this moment...this very evening...my human heart...my human mind...has to scream all these feelings out.....it is there..I can't hide it..you know it is....I can't heal without letting it out.............
Now I can
BREATHE......
