I'm still here...just needed a little time...If some don't know..My aunt died Saturday...my mom's baby sister...she was 61...she had a brain tumor...she was a strong lady...strong in her love for God..in her faith...the only fear she had was leaving her husband who has Alzheimer..and leaving her kids behind...I know she is in a much more beautiful place than I am...she is with the Lord...but...Like the preacher said....we are not made for lost...it is harder for us who are left behind to deal with the lost...but to keep our faith strong with the Lord and he will guide us...
My mom..asked me if I would sign a song for the funeral..I was really nervous...why..OMG..I just don't know...I interpret at church on sundays..and have interpreted in a large gathering before..so why was I so nervous this time????I had to pick the song..My first thought was "One sweet day" by Mariah...but it just didn't seem to fit..not quiet right....so as I went through my music..right away there it was...a song I found off one of my fellow bloggers..I am sorry..I forgot which one..but I want to thank her so much for posting that song...it is called "Mother" by Kasey Chambers...one of the most beautiful songs...
I was so nervous that my stomach was really upset...I think maybe because so many of my family was there..many cousins...just so many of them..that have never seen me sign before...
One of my favorite cousins was there..we live in the same town but..so much has happen between us through the years...we were the best of friends..she made me laugh a little before..to help ease my nerves...Well when the time came..I walked up to the front...the music started to play..I don't think anyone could see..how much my hands were shaking..but..they were so shaking...but the Lord was with me..and I began signing to the song...before long...my heart took over and there was no more nerves there...The song and I made even the grown men cry...No..not trying to brag...my intentions was to do my Mom proud and to give something to my aunt and her children..My aunt had seen me sign for my brother's funeral 3 years ago and told her daughters that she loved what I did..so her daughters wanted it also..for me to sign..so I wanted it to be beautiful for them all...Yes..That is why I was so nervous...just answered my own question..huh...lol..I wanted it to be perfect for them all..and I think I accomplished it...
Even my favorite cousin...was touched by it..she has never seen me sign before...she even told me that she would come to church on Sunday to see me sign the mass..Hey..if that is what it takes to get her to church..well Amen...to that...
The funeral..was beautiful...I know that may not sound too good to some...but to me..it was beautiful..sad for us..because of the lost in our lives...but beautiful for her..the people that were there..with so much love and so much faith...No bickering...no disagreements..just showing love...If only it could be that way always...
I am sure some of my friends may think I have dropped off the face of the earth since Saturday..because I haven't return call or emails...but..I just need that time..my mind..my heart..has been pondering..I can't say..what the feelings really are at this moment...Maybe a little of saddness...anger...Confusion...joy...just lost...not really a bad thing...just...feeling..which I think is good...
I remember sitting in the church while the preacher was giving his sermon and I was thinking...How..much lost we have had in these past 3 years...and...I don't know how to explain it..but just to say..in some way..I feel..not happy...but not as unhappy..I know..I am not making any sense...But..in some small way..I am not as scared of Death as I was before...I thought..would I feel this way if it were my Mom in that coffin..I know my feelings may be different..but yet..I don't know..maybe God..maybe as we get older..and come closer to God...we understand more...I know..I know..I am rambling on out of my head..but..that is what I am going through now..Very Confused...like I said not really a bad thing...
I know one thing for sure...I love my family so much...more than my own life...and I have been little by little healing up wounds...just by being with them..by loving them..by not taking them for granted....
The other day..I went into the wal mart I worked at..well I am still employed there..but still on leave...but anyway..one of the ladies there..told me how my eyes look so peaceful..so happy now...she said it was because I was not at that place...but..I think..it is something else...I know part of the reason is because I am not there..but also..I have started to look at my life and life in my family and with God's help and prayers of my friends..started to heal.....a long time still to go..but..a beginning which is good...
Ok..ok..I know..my writing is all mixed up..but..hey..my Exhaling...........
Well..I am OK...as well as can be...
Remember to say I love ya to the ones you love..heck even tell a stranger how important they are...
Love ya all....
SammyJo
