My heart, my soul, my mind is so full.....The things that made me so hurt so angry these past few years are popping up in my face in other people's blogs, people's conversations, just there...
When I talk or make comments on issues like gays, God, the Bible, and things in such matters it is not in blindness I talk of these things...
In my life there has been so many shocking revelations and so many secrets....
I started this blog to be able to say the things that I can't say outloud, I may say things that some may not like or approve of or agree with, but this is my heart, my way of healing...not to hurt anyone else but to shout it out of my soul......
I do believe in God and I do believe that the bible is his word...The things he said ring true in so many situations of my life...
I found out years ago that someone I loved was gay, how I found this out was first finding out he had Aids...This was something that happen to strangers not to the people I love...It couldn't be real no way in hell...first of all how could he have aids he was married and had children lest of all be gay...well it was true...he was gay and he had contracted the aids virus..Then began all the secrets, all the lies...Don't tell the kids..don't tell anyone keep these horrific things to yourself...
I knew nothing of this thing called aids...I knew that we were afraid of it, at that time they were not even sure if you could catch it from eating or drinking after the person...I was so afraid for my 2 young sons...I knew this virus meant death and being isolated from others if they knew about it..Even if it were not you that had the virus, just being related to the person who had it was enough for people to run for their lives..Which I can't say I blamed them for at that time I too was ignorant of it and would have run from it, heck I wanted to run then..
There is a verse in the Bible that states "A man shall not lie down with his own kind" it also states that Great suffering and death will come to them that do this...Maybe not in those exact words but in that meaning..Well I was a witness to the truth of these words...If not for him being gay he would have never contracted this awful virus..
For many years we watched as his healthy body started to waste away....as his beautiful hair started to fall from all the meds he had to take and all the experimental treatments he received...I watched as this strong man with a strong vibrant mind started to loose memory and just cry like a baby because the pain was so unbearable...The many times we thought he was going to die and were all around his bed side weeping...as we watched the doctors drill these large needles down into his spine or into his bone to get samples for more and more test....I've seen him fall down on the ground because he was so weak...I watched his children wonder why is my dad sick, what is wrong with him...then for his children to find out that their dad had Aids and then to find out later that he was gay...This tore apart his whole family, I watched his children get so lost no matter how much help we try to give...Can you imagine being an eldest son admiring your dad as a man to later find out that he prefers to be with a man and now he will die because of it....That has to do something to a young boy's mind, make him doubt who he is...
This virus was part of our lives for over 10 years....I learned a lot about this virus..I learned not to be ignorant about it, how to take all the necessary precautions when dealing with him...but it did make it so hard to deal with when you could not tell exactly what he had...Always trying to make sure that anyone around him didn't touch anything bloody or any of his needles....Always watching out for cuts we had or anyone else around him may have...not to mention we had to make sure they didn't pass anything on to him..For Aids kills the immune system and he could catch the most simple things that our bodies normally shoot off like a fly...
My own husband and my children didn't know he had this virus for a long time...the time had come to where I had to tell my husband and my eldest son for they were helping out with him and they had to be informed as to be safe about it.....
I felt as thought I was in a dream world...My whole life before this virus enter into it was now just a memory of long ago...Nothing was the same...I was scared, ashamed,angry,hurt,shocked, mostly numb.......I didn't realize it at the time, but I hated him for putting me in a situation of having to lie for him to people I cared about.....I met many people with this virus most who were gay also, which I felt I was forced to accept as though it was alright with me their life style...I don't hate the people who are gay, but I do hate the sin of being gay...The Lord said it is wrong and if you don't follow his law you will suffer because of it...And suffer he did...
OMG....I did it...I said it..maybe not outloud with my voice..but..I finally said it...this is not meant to be funny Tears flow as I say this..I had to let it out...let out of me...He hurt me so badly..He failed me..I failed him..I forgive you now I really forgive you.. and I love you and miss you so much....
