Exhaling by SammyJo

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Exhaling

Friday May 30, 2008

Let's start with the Bad...lol lol..

Umm...which do I start with...the complaining or the good??...lets get the drag out the way...lol..so it maybe a long long long post lol lol....hahaha...

Well, lets start with the friend who is like totally drowning me....I've been knowing her now I guess about a year or so...it was a chat now and then about how much we hated our jobs..then when the jobs stopped we started hanging out walking together and shopping...it seemed really nice...but..as time went on..I realized she has some depression...seem to always be negative..which even though I have my own problems..I am still pretty much a positive person...so of course I was there to hear her out..and give words of encouragement..which seem to be the right thing to do being a friend...so I thought...

But...I've been seeing the manipulation she tries on me..In the beginning..my heart went out to her..She lives with her mom and is raising a daughter without the help of the ex...She has asked me to watch her daughter when she got a job...but..her mom is very cautious when it comes to her granddaughter around guys...if you understand what I mean...so..I having only boys in my house..well surely I would not take that chance of them being accused of anything..now don't get me wrong..I so understand her position..but..so must mine be understood..so I told her I prefer not to babysit..that my plate was full enough with my kids...even though she gave me this pity..don't know what I'm going to do thing..I stood strong with my decision..I did however help out by picking her up at school in the afternoon and dropping her off to the grandmother....

I was really glad she got a job...for it gave me a break from her...but..it didn't stop her..she started with the calling and texting...Im'ing on the computer..always having to know where I am...her head fills with nonsense..of objects moving..ghost warning her..and who she thinks the target is..you guest it..ME!!!!...Even though I told her I don't believe in that..and that I put my faith in God..it just seems to go in one ear and out the other..One day I just didn't feel like hearing all her negative so I didn't answer...so after her trying a few times..she called one last time so worried saying that she had just gotten a call from the hospital..in which no one said anything for a moment and then hung up...so she just knew it was me..OMG!!!..I was in shock that she would do this..So ..When I called her back..I couldn't help myself..I told her that I didn't believe her...I told her ..now comon..why in the hell would I call you from the hospital and not say anything...DUH!!!..Such foolish games..

Then she has started with buying me things...cards..magnets..etc..I know friends do that sometimes..but it has gotten to the point I am feeling really uncomfortable about it...and I told her to stop..but again not listening to me..

The most recent fiscal...about a week ago..we signed up our kids for a summer camp..her worry was working pass the time they got out..which I told her not to worry that I would be picking up mine so I could do the same with her's...I should have known and should have made it clear but we had this conversation already..but still she misunderstood..she took it as I would take care of her daughter the 3 to 4 hours afterwards till she got off work..and when I realized it..I told her no..that it was just as we did during the school time..drop off to her mom.. Well..she went into this insane pity-me thing..oh now the lil girl couldn't go..and this and that..and before I knew it she was saying that she almost past out when she went take a smoke break..now this was after I told her now..crying and just going on..I was in complete shock..that she was trying to outright manipulate me like this..Unbelievable!!!....it went from a simple conversation of a misunderstanding...to the most unbelievable things..I could write it all down..but jeepers...I'll end up writing 3 days of blog..lol lol..I finally just told her...to stop with the damn pity-me bit....that she is not the only one who suffers..everyone suffers in their lives..That she has to take control of herself and deal with things..and I finally just said to her that I know how her mom is about the lil girl..and that I would not have the lil girl here without her..Finally..the conversation stopped..I was exhausted...

Now..morning arrives..my phone rings at 7am..omg..it's her..I answer...and there she is all happy and singing to me wake up sunshine and this and that..I looked at my hubby with a look of disbelief..She was wanting me to go meet her after I dropped off my lil guy at school..and I was like..this person is sick...she knew very well that it was the day the kids are having a fun day picnic and such..and that I was going to be there all day with him..and it was the reason I wasn't going with her to the doctor..so I told her duh..I'm not leaving the school..and she said oh..I forgot..At that moment I made a decision..this person disregards everything I say..and she is trying to drain me ..and I will not allow this..there is a point when helping someone and being pulled down by them..has to be determined..and stopped...

There has been so many good changes in me lately..in my family..and I know the evil one doesn't like it...well that's just tough..my heart will still be there for someone who needs me...but I will not let someone who doesn't want to change..who wants to continue in self-destruction bring me down with them..

Wow...!!!!!..that felt good..I've been wanting to write..just couldn't put my fingers to it..but I'm glad I did..got it out..whew...But you know..even with all the drama with the so call friend...I've got some really good things to say also..but..I've got to run and pay some bills..and besides, this blog is long enough...I'll be back..to fill in all the wonderful things going on...

Keep smiling..for God surely does provide all that we need..

Posted by SammyJo at 1:57 PM - 14 Comments Add a Comment

Tuesday May 13, 2008

Chatty as can be...lol...

First off..well, can I say that I'm proud of myself??..lol..well..I don't care..I am so proud of myself right now...Why??..well..my 15 yr old went to cooking some fries..and in his rush to get back to his game against his older brother..he turn on the top burner instead of the oven...and made crisp out of one of my burner covers.."Oh yea..everything ok.".and he came to tell me..with some uncertainty..but..I went to ck it out..made sure all was ok..and I didn't get all angry..of course I question how it happened..but without all the anger ...and I got the details...the whole thing is...I didn't go off the handle like I used to..and to me the big deal is..not only did I not go off the handle on the outside..I didn't feel it on the inside either...now that is a Big Big deal for me...many times I control the outer anger..but was still so angry inside..But, nada...Smiling Big.....

Another big thing for me is this time of year... for many years around this time..I go into a real sad mood...more like a punish myself mood..I find some excuse to hide away..most times I get sick and it last for over the month..I know it's not real sickness, but yet, it becomes real, and I know it, but yet, I couldn't make it stop...Not until this year..it wasn't like I got up and did something or said it was going to stop..no..it, has been a healing inside of me...a beginning of forgiveness of myself..of accepting God's forgiveness and healing...I don't fool myself into thinking it's all poof gone..but..for the first time in I don't know how many years...I didn't hide away as before...I didn't get so sad that I was physically sick...

And..

For the first time, I actually welcomed mother's day...I had the most wonderful day...and it didn't consist of fancy gifts ...it was a wonderful breakfast prepared by my 15 yr old..and a beautifully made card by my 7 yr old..gorgeous flowers from hubby.. waiting for me when I arrived home from church...I sat there, and I just cried...big old happy tears rolled down my face...I told my boys this was the best mother's day ever in my life..and they had given it to me.....

Oh don't get me wrong..I've had a couple of days that were not so good..about a week ago..I had an attack of my neck and head...the pain was so unbearable..my Mom helped me by taking me to the doctor..that is how bad it was..turns out it was a muscle spasm caused from shoulder..which didn't hurt at all..but surely affected my neck and head..Guess too much computer...lol..but I tell you what, it hurt so bad, I was in tears over that too..but I am on some meds from the doc....a whole month I have to take the meds..and believe you..me..I am taking them...Smile..

Boy do I have a lot to say today huh..but..I finally put my fingers to typing it out..I've been on the puter..but just not in the writing mood..but today it seems I am ...Lol...

Well, I'm not finish yet..lol..I have one more thing I have to share...and it is my morning with the Lord...

This past Friday, after dropping off my son to school...I decided to take myself a ride...I drove past the place I was raised...and just drove past country areas..just so beautiful..I drove slowly, and even stopped at certain areas to just enjoy the beauty...It's amazing what we all over look because of the rush of our lives...such simple things..are so great in beauty and peace...I'm sure if someone passed by me..they thought me nuts..for I surely was talking with my Lord, in appreciating of what he has given to me...in my life and in this world for all...

I told my friend that I took myself about a hour or so drive in the morning, and she said she was so sorry, that I had to be alone...I chuckled..and I told her..."I wasn't alone...God came along...and we had a wonderful time together..he gave me peace..."....Smile..I think she understood it..but yet..I think she thought I was coo coo..lol...but no matter...I have that peace still at this moment..and I so love it...

Ok ok..I'm closing this post finally...but ..sharing a few photos from my morning with the Lord...Take care all..and choose to smile with all your heart....God Bless...

I love it when he shines thru...

I captured a farmer doing his morning checks of the crawfish traps..

God's Beauty...

Sitting as the train passes by...someone's work of art...

In my life..I've only found one...and I decided to look in the place I found my first one..and there I found another..How awesome is that...

I don't so much believe in the luck of the clover..but because of the meaning of it to us..I believe God gave it to me

as a way of saying you will be ok..

Posted by SammyJo at 8:51 PM - 37 Comments Add a Comment

Sunday May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day............

In My Mother's Arms

Love that has no measure,

Shelter from the harms

I could live forever

In my Mother's arms

Ever understanding,

Sharing all her charms

I know my safe haven

Is in my Mother's arm

If I could say what she means to me

I'm sure it would take an eternity

She showed me how to be all that I can be

And weather all the storms

She's always there, she's my best friend

Taught me how to stand and when to bend

I could stay forever,

In my Mother's arms

Her gentle caring eases my pain

Mysteries of life she can explain

Gave me wisdom to come in out of the rain

How my heart she warms

And I'll be grateful eternally

For the life and breath she gave to me

I will forever be in Mother's arms

I wish all the Beautiful Mothers a Very Happy Mother's Day...May God Bless you with all the Love that you have given unconditionally....I love all here, but I have to give an extra Smile to Lookin, June, POH, for the love and wisdom you have given me these past few years...Thank you ....

The video is the only thing I could find with the song I wanted for this occasion...

Posted by SammyJo at 12:16 AM - 16 Comments Add a Comment

Wednesday May 7, 2008

Good days....unsure decisions...journeys...

May sound so silly, but today, I opened my bible and said OK God, give me something to help with my friend about his fear of the end...so I opened it up...laid my hand ..and it laid right on Ezekiel 7:10..and this is what it said...

10:See, the day of the Lord! See, the end is coming! Lawlessness is in full bloom, insolence flourishes, 11:violence has risen to support wickedness. It shall not be long in coming, nor shall it delay.

And it continues....My thoughts about all that I read in this chapter was really mixed...I thought, is this God saying my friend is in trouble, or is he saying I am.........And then to top it off my friend text me..saying time is growing shorter..(OK NOW!!!!!!)(Speak to me Lord)...so I called my friend instead of text...and we started talking and I mention my lil adventure in the Bible, but didn't tell him all that I read....but...as our conversation progressed...Words out of my mouth came...I told him again...Stop searching in Fear....Go and feed your soul...Read the Gospels, read and search what God wants from you..he will feed your soul...I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth, so I said it again to make sure that is what God wanted me to say...Smile

The Bible surely can scare the heck out of you...and it is very intimidating....but ..then, I thought..it's intended for those who don't give themselves to the Lord...Yes, it is good to know the consequences...but, better to search for the ways to keep from them..

This is the time of year....I have a stir of feelings of unworthiness, so I can't help but think that God is working...that he is trying to kill two birds with one stone ..so to speak..with my friend and I...by his doubts..and fears...I help him and inturn get my own healing...it has to be...it just has to be...

I know..I may sound like a rambling fool..but I know what stirs inside...The only difference is now I've allowed God to hold my heart...and I know he will guide me and my friend....

Posted by SammyJo at 12:39 AM - 9 Comments Add a Comment

Saturday May 3, 2008

Which sign will you follow......

I had a conversation with a friend the other day, and then today I read a few of Wordofhope's post...and it got me thinking and feeling and really realizing things...

My friend, is really thinking hard on the end of times lately..He knows the things he has done wrong in this life and is afraid it will cost him his soul..He seems to really be caught up in these preachers who talk of the end of times and they even give a certain date...

With all the things happening in this world today, I can understand, and I loose hope and faith at time also..But for some reason, I find my hope and faith thru others...like my friend..because of his fear I seem to find my faith..how odd..I hear his lost of faith speaking and mine grows stronger...

I told him, that we both seem to be searching, but his search seems to be in fear..and he needs to stop the fear and replace it with faith...I told him, did you not know that Jesus died on the cross that even the worst sins that you feel cannot be forgiven is forgiven thru him...all you need to do is truly be sorry and ask him for forgiveness..He told me he knows this and he has done this...but still fears...and my words to him were that he needs to forgive himself, and to truly accept the forgiveness of God...I told him what a special person here told me once...it may not be in the exact way..but this is it.."Do you think you are above God??..then who are you to not forgive yourself, when the Lord himself has already forgiven you"...

As with my friend, I see so many others focusing only in the fear of what is to come...It seems they only see the signs of the beginning of the end...but...are so blind to the wondrous signs of Hope..Faith..Love...that the Lord is showing us also...Don't get me wrong...I see all too well the horrific things happening, and it angers me..and I question Him all the time...but..each and every time I do, He gives me hope and faith...

I see it in the clouds, in the ripples of the water as the wind blows across the fields in my back yard...in the rain...in the smiles and tears of ppl's faces...it's there in each and every person as they awake to another day to do what is necessary..All these things and so much more is God's way of telling us not to give up...that he is here..and there is Hope and Love and Faith...you only need to walk his way and embrace it and live it...

No, it will not be an easy path, this I know.. but, giving up is not an option ..at least not for me...

So today, look around...look up..look at others...look within yourself...and see God's signs of Love...

Posted by SammyJo at 5:26 PM - 13 Comments Add a Comment

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Author: SammyJo
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