So...I figure you realized that I was upset the other day...Yeap...
They did the test on my uncle....and test shows lung cancer...left lower side lung...Know for sure Tuesday exactly what kind and what kind of treatment...You know what the shit is..he quit smoking 6 yrs ago...My Mom is so broken hearted...She just cried....her words...were so sad...She just buried her baby sister a few months back....and now her big brother has cancer...
I am worried about her...she already has a bad heart...and she has been under a dr. care for a hurt back for over a month now..And yes..I am there for her...and for my uncle...
Before he had the final test done..it was as though he knew..and he was telling me the songs he wanted me to do in sign language at his funeral...What a big lump in my throat....
As I walked out the hospital..to my truck..got in..silently...put my music on..and all that numbness came back...my wall raised up a lil more...I didn't want to think...I didn't want to feel...
I even jump down one of my close friends throats when all he said was the normal things that you say..when something like this happens...but..I felt as though..he knew me better..and not to use that usually sorry stuff..but then I realized..how horrible I was..and apologized to him...he so understood..and just kept talking to me over the puter..which really helped...sometimes it's not the words you use..but just the chat that helps...
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I am feeling better today...I spent time with my family...my boys were so wonderful this weekend...they got my truck all cleaned up..outside and inside..and even cleaned out my pantry which is like wow...I can actually walk in it...lol..Hubby even joined in..he got our yard so looking good...with the rain our grass had grown lots..So..I figured..lets top it off...Last nite I said lets go to the movies...They were all for it...We almost had a big blow out..because of running late..but then..my 6yr old said...hey momma...that is the devil trying to hurt our family...and omg..it made everyone stop and realize...everyone started apologizing to each...it was beautiful...I so love that lil guy...I knew he was special..I knew he was the stitches that would bring our quilt back together..."Out of the Mouth of Babes"...And you know what..it is not even the idea of the work that was done..it is the idea of our family working together for the right reasons...
So..now I just keep praying...for my uncle..for my mom..for my self..I just don't want to loose all that I've gained thus far...I don't want to fall back into that anger..that hate...It may not be a huge change..but I see a change in my kids..and I don't want to loose that either...
So..Now..I pray...
God...I am begging you...to give me the strength..the faith to fight these feelings that want to take over me again...Show me Lord...the reasons why all these trials are on our steps...I don't want to loose my soul..I don't want to push my kids to loosing their souls...I need you Lord...to stay with me..help me..not to be blinded by stupidy...not to be fooled into thinking you don't love me...I know it is your will to be done...either way..but..I do so pray that my uncle be healed...or not suffer...to please Lord not let this break my Mom...I am not ready for her to leave me...I know it is selfish..but...I do plead with you for this...
I thank you my Lord for listening to me...for all the good things in my life that I know come from you...I love you God..from the day of my dreams till the day I die...I love you...In Jesus your son's name..I make this pray to you..
Amen...........
